Are You There God? It’s Me, Jaye Rose

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. Again.

I want to start by apologising for my massive hiatus. As I touched on in my last gabbled and probably not totally coherent post, I was on a heavy dose of anti-depressants which had completely blocked me mentally and I had no enthusiasm or energy to bother writing anything down. I’ve now stopped taking them – yeah, they don’t recommend that – and here I am! I did feel a hell of a lot better on the meds but they gave me adult acne which, for once in my life, is not a euphemism for genital warts and I’d rather be mentally unstable with good skin than calm and happy with bad. Hello vanity, you sexy bitch.

I don’t know if some of you noticed but last month, after lamenting endlessly about how the adult industry isn’t for me and how I never want to be spoken to or viewed in that context again, I went back to a webcam show and stripped off and talked to masturbating men for 10 hours. I am a woman of many things but am not quite sure I’m a woman of integrity. I’d love to be able to say I’m not a hypocrite but I’m the worst of them all for “do as I say not as I do”.

When I started this blog I was 100% set on never, ever taking my clothes off again, except for when I shower or on the rare occasion I manage to lure a man back to my lair, but unfortunately I needed some money and it was the quickest way I knew how to make it, which is kind of sad really that, as a woman, I know I can easily make myself a commodity again at the drop of a hat. Or a thong.

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I’m a very, very open person but there are still aspects of my life that I don’t want to put online; for the sake of perspective though I will tell you that, financially, I am responsible for helping out a few other people and not just myself. As much as I didn’t really enjoy my time in the industry, I was making pretty good money and able to live rather comfortably off that so when I left it all behind I had accepted that I would be taking a huge drop in my income and I was alright with that because I knew it was coming.

I got a “normal” job to bridge the gap between my old job and whatever is going to come next and that was okay for a while, I was trundling along and managing to pay for things. But then reality hit: debts mounted up a lot faster than I’d anticipated and I started leaving my post for days and days before I eventually had the balls to open it. Real life started to cave in on me and I panicked and thought that, as a quick fix, I could buy myself some breathing room by doing some TV/webcam work again and maybe some nude modelling jobs.

It would just be for the summer, I’d assured myself, so that I could get a few companies off my back and not have to fill those plastic money bags with pennies to cash in at the post office for actual pound coins to buy milk. Yes, things had gotten that bad. Don’t forget, when I moved into my flat and signed my legally binding contract for said flat, I had done so on the wage I’d been making prior to me giving it all up. Which means despite no longer earning that money, I still got big bills to pay and I really don’t want to put someone’s dick in my mouth again to do so.

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Don’t get me wrong, I am far from an idiot and I don’t think I am above any job or pay cheque out there. When I first moved back here, I got a job that was meant to be waitressing but ended up being me pot washing at an Indian restaurant where I’d come home with mashed up chickpeas under my nails and in my hair at night, which sounds like I’m making it up but is genuinely true. But it is always going to be quicker to just whip your top off. That’s just a fact.

Anyway, long story short, I went back to a channel that broadcasts via webcam and it was pretty much like I’d never left. I’d picked them because they were closest to me and also because they’d told me that I could do just topless if I wanted to, which I did want to, but that went out the window within the first 10 minutes as its much easier to keep people engaged if you give them more to engage with (my choice, the channel didn’t suggest I do that its just how I work). And, confession time, I actually quite enjoyed being back. Obviously not for the whole ten hour shift – nobody enjoys a ten hour shift in any job – it’s hard going and a killer on your knees and lower back but I did have some fun being back on the phones.

I like being sexy. Despite the impression this blog seems to have given some people, I do actually enjoy sex and I love feeling sexy and having that power over men. I just don’t want to have some randy sod shout “touch yourself” whilst his three mates all cackle and cheer as I’m crossing the road. The motive for going back to webcam work, albeit temporarily, was obviously money related but I like to talk and I’m good at acting and flirting and teasing and I never found phonechat work hard.

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In fact, of all the different “strains” of adult work that are available, phonechat was always the one I enjoyed the most. I don’t know why that is, maybe it’s because I’ve had a lot of prison boyfriends so phonesex has some semi positive connotations for me (there should be a lol there; there isn’t) or because I listen to a lot of radio dramas and am fascinated by how much can be conveyed in the voice online (bloody hell, how juxtaposed were those two sentences against each other hahaha) but yeah, I just didn’t mind it and even quite enjoyed phone work.

What I did realise though, at the end of the 16-hour day that was my shift on webcam plus travelling, is that the adult industry really isn’t for me and that Welsh travel companies need to join the rest of the world in the 21st century by introducing plugs onto their trains. But yeah, going back to it really did remind me of why I gave it all up. Sometimes you’ve got to put your hand back in the fire to remember that you’re actually just better off just having a BBQ every now and then. And to wear oven mitts when doing so.

 

41 Comments

  1. And she’s back…! lol. I do love reading your posts. It seems you are good at all things social when you wish to be.

  2. Welcome back Jaye, your latest episode had more than a few surprises and still some lols. Thank you for taking the time to put thoughts to keyboard, and hope that things get better for you, pretty damn soon x

  3. You’re awesome, keep doing what you need to do.

  4. John from Germany

    July 6, 2016 at 1:14 pm

    Here’s to all the past, present and future plot twists in the book of your life whose chapters you choose to share with us. Hope you find a proper job to provide for yourself and whoever else you have to take care of. Also, your fans will always be here 🙂

  5. Very enjoable read. Always excited to catch up on you. You know you don’t have to go full time on this, right? You could just do that stuff through your own Homepage or any other site that will let you decide whenever you’re horny enough to do it from home and just earn a few bucks on the side. tweet youre on your cam to bring your following online or sth. No need to go full 10hrs straight. Just putting it out there. But that is probably what you’re alluding to with the BBQ.
    However, if you’re so dirty mindedband full of fantasy, maybe you could write and direct your own porn in a way that women are treated respectfully and not drooled or spat at, or choked for that matter.
    Also, sorry you had to take anti d.s they’re a real killer of everything that makes life worthwile, I think. Did you know that lifting weights can be quite satisfying in a way that a lot of happy-hormones get spilled whenever you’re done? No need to worry about turninxg into she-hulk anytime soon either. Most girls who do, drop substances prior to that transformation.
    Anyway,
    Keep yourself alive, girl!
    Lots of love

    • JayeRose

      July 10, 2016 at 6:31 pm

      Fully aware of how webcam works…spent about 5 years doing webcam. Chose to go back to TV. You’re a little late to the party, my friend.

      Similarly, working in any aspect of the adult industry again would go against everything I’ve been saying. I want no part in it and I certainly don’t want to direct porn.

  6. Donkey Lovin'

    July 7, 2016 at 2:37 pm

    Another fascinating read Ms Rose, and kudos for the reference to Judy Blume’s book. I once thought it was a quite obscure 1970’s kids book, but I recently discovered that it’s considered a bit of a classic in the YA genre.

    Also, “I went back to a webcam show and stripped off and talked to masturbating men for 10 hours”. Whatever people may think or say about them, one certainly can’t fault their staying power!

    Welcome back Jaye, and I do hope that you conquer your demons!
    x

  7. A good read and brightened up what was a pretty dull day ! 😊

    You should write more
    1. You’re good at it and
    2. I’m sure it helps to exorcise any demons …

    And people I’m sure can relate to you( I’ve never been a Web cam girl …..or girl for that matter , but you know what I mean) , and I’m sure some of the feelings you share resonate with your readers .
    Funny and bright …..

  8. A great read as ever, some genuine laughs at your singular outlook which does you credit, especially in light of I suppose what should be called “tactically withdrawing from your meds”.

    Write when the itch is there; you’ve a wonderfully frank, conversational style (which might be why you preferred the phone work) – do you think it would be a loss of quality were you to write for writing’s sake rather than as you do now, dipping back in when you have a nerve tweaked and feel the need to respond to it?

    Keep on, stay well.

    • JayeRose

      July 11, 2016 at 8:18 pm

      Thank you kind sir 🙂 Am trying to get my foot out of my butt as have a lot of posts planned but lost my momentum for a while. Thank you, as ever, for reading and for taking the time to comment – means a lot.

  9. FINALLY…….She’s Back!!!!!!

  10. As nice as it is to see you posting again. I am a little concerned when you say you’ve stopped taking your meds.

    I know meds for mental health are a very iterative process that requires a couple of discussions with your doctor(s). So, whilst I like the posts I like the thought a stable Jaye a little more.

  11. Charley Chase

    July 13, 2016 at 2:30 pm

    Jaye, when finances dictate, it must be very tempting to dip a toe back into the adult industry you’ve renounced. You’ve made your reservations about that world clear, and yet the cocktail of popular enthusiasm, quick money and your aptitude for the work must be hard to resist.

    Personally, I’m conflicted. I want you to be satisfied and happy in what you do, but I can’t deny how much I love to see you in the nude. My better nature wishes you well.

  12. Just found your blog and happy that your back. Your body language always seemed off from what you were doing and that you were not completely there. Like your body was there, but not your mind. I look forward to getting to know you and chatting soon. Until then keep doing what you know is best for you and don’t worry about everyone else.

    • JayeRose

      July 15, 2016 at 9:10 am

      Thank you! People keep saying that about not looking into it and I’m kind of surprised – I didn’t ever notice that whilst filming, always thought I was pretty good at what I did and nobody ever pointed it out whilst I was still filming just seems like now they know the backstory they are suddenly picking up on things and am wondering if that’s maybe just because they now know…?

      • I have to disagree with the original comment there, I thought you always looked like you were really into what you were doing. Even looking at photos now, and knowing what I do after reading your blogs, I can’t see much discomfort in them, or any “zoned out” expressions.
        Maybe that’s down to your acting and modelling skills?

        • JayeRose

          August 6, 2016 at 9:19 am

          I agree – a lot of guys have said this to me since I made it clear that I didn’t enjoy it yet absolutely nobody said that when I was ACTUALLY making videos. I don’t think I ever looked like I wasn’t involved or didn’t enjoy it at all, otherwise people wouldn’t have kept booking me for shoots!

          • I have to be honest and say that I found your porn scenes stupendously sexy. My favourite is one you did for Brazzers (some sort of barmaid interview). Reading this blog I now know you weren’t enjoying what you were doing – but I would never have guessed this from your performance on-screen. Some performers – for example Prince Yahshua – you appeared to enjoy working with more than others. Is this true, or just the impression you gave on-screen?

            And the good news? If you can do something you didn’t enjoy this well – imagine how good you’ll be when you find something you love !

          • JayeRose

            August 18, 2016 at 1:32 pm

            Your last comment did make me chuckle, so thank you!

            Am glad you enjoyed my work – a few people have said that they could see that my heart wasn’t really in it but I don’t think that is true at all, as nobody ever commented on it at the time! I did enjoy some of the scenes I did; I don’t hate sex and had a lot of fun at times, which I’ll get into in future blogs, but my experience in the industry as a whole wasn’t great.

          • Hello Jaye, it’s interesting that Prince Yahshua got a mention here.
            After reading your blog and comments about not enjoying the work I did take a fresh look at some of your scenes to see if I could detect any signs of discomfort. I have to say that one you did with Prince Yahshua now makes for very uncomfortable viewing.
            I hadn’t noticed it before, but during quite a rough scene he grabs you around the throat and for a second you look terrified. Was that actually the case?
            It’s the scene where you’re in a fishnet outfit on a sort of black leather recliner seat, in an office or similar.
            I don’t know if you’re familiar with Max Hardcore and the way he treats his co-stars, but I was reminded of the reactions that he tries to get from his co-stars (and often succeeds in getting too).

  13. A woman responding here… I commend you for following your dreams, even though it’s a struggle and conflict. If you’re feeling stuck just remember there are lots of resources out there to help place you in a career / office job / non-adult industry if you want them. It sounds you like you also enjoy it so maybe you can strike a healthy balance between working manageable shifts in the adult industry for some concentrated money and having a ‘day job’ or something like that.

    At any rate, keep following your heart and doin’ what you gotta do without being hard on yourself 🙂

    • JayeRose

      July 18, 2016 at 1:18 pm

      Hi! – Thank you for reading and for your kind words 🙂 think am gonna keep myself completely distant from the adult industry now, I had my time in it and as much as when times are hard it is tempting to dip my toe back in, I need to be stern and strict with myself!

  14. Jaye ,
    You are going throug the process , never see back , look forward for a better future..!!… you surely can help others with your reads …!!

  15. God is there , dont see it but feel it like the wind .. !!

  16. Girl, as much as I read your blogs you make me more crazy, you have to realize that you are not living in Sierra Leone or in Zambia, you have pretty good chances to build a good career. Every time, when you mention you panicked realizing you were running out of cash, I do think to myself, damn aren’t there good job opportunities in UK for people? If not, settle to Germany and I fucking promise I personally find a job for you not less than starting from 2000 euros in a month, of which you can live without worrying for tomorrows. Your parents have not supported you during the moments they are supposed to do. Do not let pessimism to gravitate you Dahhling 🙂 X

    • JayeRose

      July 26, 2016 at 3:26 pm

      Why would my parents financially support me when I’m an adult? I resent comments about my family – I am an adult and I made my own decision in my life, don’t comment on my family please.

      • Sorry for misunderstanding, I am also an adult and I have been independent since 16, working and standing on my own foot. But it is my concept in life, if even my future kid choose to be an independent and make his/her own decisions, I would still support him/her if it was badly needed. Everyone has own decision in life and I respect yours, but mine is like I described

  17. Love your posts. I’m looking forward to the next one.

  18. Welcome back my Dreamqueen…,waiting for d next one..love u girl

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