Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. Again.
I want to start by apologising for my massive hiatus. As I touched on in my last gabbled and probably not totally coherent post, I was on a heavy dose of anti-depressants which had completely blocked me mentally and I had no enthusiasm or energy to bother writing anything down. I’ve now stopped taking them – yeah, they don’t recommend that – and here I am! I did feel a hell of a lot better on the meds but they gave me adult acne which, for once in my life, is not a euphemism for genital warts and I’d rather be mentally unstable with good skin than calm and happy with bad. Hello vanity, you sexy bitch.
I don’t know if some of you noticed but last month, after lamenting endlessly about how the adult industry isn’t for me and how I never want to be spoken to or viewed in that context again, I went back to a webcam show and stripped off and talked to masturbating men for 10 hours. I am a woman of many things but am not quite sure I’m a woman of integrity. I’d love to be able to say I’m not a hypocrite but I’m the worst of them all for “do as I say not as I do”.
When I started this blog I was 100% set on never, ever taking my clothes off again, except for when I shower or on the rare occasion I manage to lure a man back to my lair, but unfortunately I needed some money and it was the quickest way I knew how to make it, which is kind of sad really that, as a woman, I know I can easily make myself a commodity again at the drop of a hat. Or a thong.
I’m a very, very open person but there are still aspects of my life that I don’t want to put online; for the sake of perspective though I will tell you that, financially, I am responsible for helping out a few other people and not just myself. As much as I didn’t really enjoy my time in the industry, I was making pretty good money and able to live rather comfortably off that so when I left it all behind I had accepted that I would be taking a huge drop in my income and I was alright with that because I knew it was coming.
I got a “normal” job to bridge the gap between my old job and whatever is going to come next and that was okay for a while, I was trundling along and managing to pay for things. But then reality hit: debts mounted up a lot faster than I’d anticipated and I started leaving my post for days and days before I eventually had the balls to open it. Real life started to cave in on me and I panicked and thought that, as a quick fix, I could buy myself some breathing room by doing some TV/webcam work again and maybe some nude modelling jobs.
It would just be for the summer, I’d assured myself, so that I could get a few companies off my back and not have to fill those plastic money bags with pennies to cash in at the post office for actual pound coins to buy milk. Yes, things had gotten that bad. Don’t forget, when I moved into my flat and signed my legally binding contract for said flat, I had done so on the wage I’d been making prior to me giving it all up. Which means despite no longer earning that money, I still got big bills to pay and I really don’t want to put someone’s dick in my mouth again to do so.
Don’t get me wrong, I am far from an idiot and I don’t think I am above any job or pay cheque out there. When I first moved back here, I got a job that was meant to be waitressing but ended up being me pot washing at an Indian restaurant where I’d come home with mashed up chickpeas under my nails and in my hair at night, which sounds like I’m making it up but is genuinely true. But it is always going to be quicker to just whip your top off. That’s just a fact.
Anyway, long story short, I went back to a channel that broadcasts via webcam and it was pretty much like I’d never left. I’d picked them because they were closest to me and also because they’d told me that I could do just topless if I wanted to, which I did want to, but that went out the window within the first 10 minutes as its much easier to keep people engaged if you give them more to engage with (my choice, the channel didn’t suggest I do that its just how I work). And, confession time, I actually quite enjoyed being back. Obviously not for the whole ten hour shift – nobody enjoys a ten hour shift in any job – it’s hard going and a killer on your knees and lower back but I did have some fun being back on the phones.
I like being sexy. Despite the impression this blog seems to have given some people, I do actually enjoy sex and I love feeling sexy and having that power over men. I just don’t want to have some randy sod shout “touch yourself” whilst his three mates all cackle and cheer as I’m crossing the road. The motive for going back to webcam work, albeit temporarily, was obviously money related but I like to talk and I’m good at acting and flirting and teasing and I never found phonechat work hard.
In fact, of all the different “strains” of adult work that are available, phonechat was always the one I enjoyed the most. I don’t know why that is, maybe it’s because I’ve had a lot of prison boyfriends so phonesex has some semi positive connotations for me (there should be a lol there; there isn’t) or because I listen to a lot of radio dramas and am fascinated by how much can be conveyed in the voice online (bloody hell, how juxtaposed were those two sentences against each other hahaha) but yeah, I just didn’t mind it and even quite enjoyed phone work.
What I did realise though, at the end of the 16-hour day that was my shift on webcam plus travelling, is that the adult industry really isn’t for me and that Welsh travel companies need to join the rest of the world in the 21st century by introducing plugs onto their trains. But yeah, going back to it really did remind me of why I gave it all up. Sometimes you’ve got to put your hand back in the fire to remember that you’re actually just better off just having a BBQ every now and then. And to wear oven mitts when doing so.