I get asked a lot of questions so thought I would compile a list, as a bit of fun, to show you examples of the kind of things I did and still do get asked by different people.
So, what does your boyfriend think about you modelling? – Oh sorry, I must have banged my head on one of your lights and woken up half a century ago when what I did was based solely on the man in my life’s opinions. Also, I’m single, don’t take the piss.
I want to do a 1950s pin-up style shoot – can you do your hair and make-up exactly like a pin up girl and bring a ton of original, vintage corsets and fully fashioned nylon stockings that will cost more to source than what I’m paying you for the shoot? Also, do you have access to a vintage car that we could shoot all this on the bonnet of? Oh, and can we shoot all this at your place? – Last week I had £3 to my name and had to ask photographers to send me my travel costs upfront so I could actually afford to get to the shoots. Unless I can fashion some kind of suspender belt out of noodle wrappers, it’s probably going to be a no.
I was thinking I might turn this badly lit image of you into black and white later and just make your lips and heels red, do you think that would get me the cover of Vogue? – Yeah, fuck it, why the hell not.
How can I get into porn bb? – I neither know, nor care.
Do you want to see me cum bb? – No, but you shall never suspect that because I am an excellent actress.
You’re loving this aren’t you? – No.
Freeloaders that didn’t get free pictures/compliments on their unasked for dick pic/attention:
Are your parents proud? – Oh, are yours!? Are yours proud that you spend more time wanking than anything productive and that when you’re not doing that you’re harassing random girls online? Bet they’ll be adding that to their family newsletter this Christmas.
Why are you such a stuck up bitch? – You are the twelfth man today to ask me if I’d like your dick up my arse. I’m sorry if it comes as a surprise to you that I do not find that complimentary. Women are, by default, stuck up if they decline any offer of sex, no matter how politely it is done. You only have to check out the brilliant @byefelipe account on Instagram to see perfect examples of how some men react when told that you aren’t interested in them.
You do know you’re a fat slag, don’t you? – Fully aware of it, my friend, fully aware of it.
Men in my personal life, on dates:
What’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done? – I sometimes leave it right up to the day before the deadline to submit my tax return. YOLO.
So, are you just like, always horny? – You probably thought that smell was my Nando’s Extra Hot chicken but it is in fact the smell of my continuously burning loins.
I know I said we’d go out but I’m really tired, can we just chill at yours? – This tends to not get a reply in words but just the straight line mouth and eyes emoji. Words would be pointless.
Do you ever actually fancy the guys you work with? – Not really, no. Doesn’t mean I find them physically repulsive but they may not be the usual guy I’d pick in my personal life, which is fine because it would actually make the job a lot harder if I did fancy them.
Do they actually have fluffers, like is that a real thing? – Not as far as I’ve ever known. Love to see the job advert for that role, though.
Remember that guy from seven years ago who never called you back and ignored you every time he ever saw you out again? Well, he keeps pestering me for your number on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter – shall I tell him to piss off? – Its funny how many men from the past who, despite having already seen you naked in real life, suddenly want to get in touch and chat about old times when they completely blanked you or much, much worse at the time because they’ve now seen you naked on the internet. One of life’s greatest mysteries.
Why are you doing this? Is it our fault?
Why didn’t you tell me? Why did I have to find out because some twat anonymously contacted every member of your family sending them links to your online profiles and pictures of you “at work”?
If we re-mortgage our house will you please, please take the money and stop, find something else to do?
I don’t really want to answer the last three because that wasn’t a nice conversation to have. Nobody likes to make their mother cry.
My next installment of my foray into le adult world will be coming up next week and please, don’t be discouraged by this post – I like questions! Feel free to send me any you’d like to see answered in future posts or subjects you’d like me to elaborate on via the contact me page.
Until next time – keep it clean, my friends.