MIA – sorry!

So I’ve been “MIA” for a while, a term which is completely wasted on me as I’ve been getting no action at all. What actually happened is that I went back on anti-depressants and they did what they always do, which is eradicate the problem with a simple “I can no longer find the energy to care”, whilst also taking my mojo away with it. I just haven’t had the drive or the inspiration to write for a while, which was my main concern about going back onto medication but hey ho, here I am and I promise to get back into it because I actually really enjoy blogging and reading all the responses has been so nice. It’s so fucking nice to finally be acknowledged for something beyond the underwear I’m wearing (FYI today is Bridget Jones knickers because the painters are in).

One issue that does keep arising in comments is people apologising for enjoying my previous work and saying they feel guilty. I just want to quickly make it clear that I have absolutely no issue whatsoever with people watching porn – I watch porn! – and yes I did get off on making movies and living out some sexual fantasies that I wouldn’t have gotten around to in my personal life. I love sex. I just didn’t get into the industry for the right reasons and it is those experiences that affected me most, hence why I write about them. There is nothing wrong with watching my videos and also listening to what I have to say beyond me panting and shouting “UH!”. It’s fine, honestly. I have no issue with it.

I don’t hate men just because I use to spend hours on end listening to them cumming down the phone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no angel. The sex industry is a funny one in the sense that often there is little respect between the customer and the performer; we don’t respect them and they don’t respect us. Again, please don’t take my generalisations to heart. When I say “they”, I am referring to the “bread and butter” customers, the ones with their tongues lolling out who don’t even bother saying “hello” when they call up.  Some of the customers are nice and I genuinely got on with them and built up a rapport and some are not, although I’d warrant a guess that any of my followers and previous customers who do read my blog aren’t the ones who would demand “fist ur fat fanny u dirty bitch”. It’s not something you’d ask your wife to do.

mia1

“Sex workers” offer a release from the norm, the chance to live out fantasies that you wouldn’t do in your real life and that is fine, everyone needs a release. When you’re in the heat of the moment nothing else matters. Porn is there for a reason and I promise you I have no issue with anyone watching it, the people I do have an issue with are those who can’t differentiate between porn and real life and send unsolicited pictures of their revolting penis, usually framed by a fat hairy belly, or endless detailed accounts of what they’d do to me. Given the fact that the only way we’d experience any physical contact is if we both happened to be drinking in the same pub and we accidentally knocked shoulders at the bar, I found it really hard towards the end to bite my tongue and simper and giggle in response to these repulsive messages. My favourite were also the endless e-mails asking to meet up because they were “different” and “handsome”. I will never understand the male mentality in which, if you fancy me, it is automatically assumed that I will feel the same, despite having never seen you.

Also, I just want to stress again that any opinions or experiences that I talk about in my blog ARE MINE ONLY. I am not claiming to speak for anyone but myself when I say what happened to me or what I didn’t enjoy or how I felt. I’ve had a few messages saying “reading your blog has made me not want to watch porn now because of how the girls are treated” but that isn’t true. In fact, the only sex worker I’ve ever known who didn’t enjoy it or want to do it is myself! All the girls I met loved their job, were brilliant performers and genuinely enjoyed their work. I just didn’t, so I stopped doing it – it really is as simple as that.

punters

While I’m on a roll, it’s really starting to piss me off that 99% of the messages I’ve received from my “Contact Me” page have been escort inquiries or people sending me their numbers to give them a call. I never bloody escorted even when I was working in the industry and to use a contact feature on a blog that lists how fucking much I hated being involved in any of it is just very, very annoying. The phone numbers are annoying too – you never called me when I was working and earning yet you think I’ll call you, a random wanking stranger, INTERNATIONALLY and pay for the honour of listening to you ejaculate? Too bad the synapses in my brain are too numbed to tear them a new one.

This was all meant to prove that I have no issue with men but it’s impossible to have worked in the industry and to have had the personal life I’ve had and not have issues with men. I don’t loathe males though and judge everyone on a personal basis. I don’t date because my anger and bitterness runs too deep and I can’t trust anyone but I am also hormonal today so will end this mini tirade here by letting you know that normal service will resume shortly!

P.S. On a much, much brighter note thank you so much for all the comments you’ve been leaving. It makes my day knowing that people enjoy my rants and raves and am so flattered that people are even writing what I have to say. Thank you, really.

33 Comments

  1. John from Germany

    April 6, 2016 at 4:07 pm

    Well thanks for your return! I admit it, I was getting a little worried that the blog thing might have run its course for you and you were to move on to new things…

    It also puzzles me how anybody can actually read your blog and then use the “Contact me” option for trying to set up a date with you. Well, I guess some people do feel encouraged to use the opportunity to contact a (former” pornstar and just give it a shot… but how they can expect any serious consideration of their generous offer (wink) is beyond me.

    I’m happy you’re back on track anyway, so please don’t leave us waiting for the next entry for so long again, okay? 🙂

  2. Hi Miss Rose,
    Been a follower of you for a while but mainly stayed under the radar. Would just like to say that I enjoy reading your blog, it’s nice to get an insight into your life now that you’re not in porn. Keep up the good work with this blog and glad you’re back.

    One day you could possibly turn your posts into some sort of book. With the ups and downs and happy and sad bits, of being in the industry. Sort of like a ‘Diary Entry’ type book, I’m not sure of that’s the term to use but heyho, hopefully you get what I mean.

    I do feel some sort of way for British adult stars who are down to earth and don’t put themselves out of reach of fans.

    Wish you the best.

    • JayeRose

      April 25, 2016 at 11:27 am

      Thank you 🙂 your words are really what I needed to read this morning. Am glad you enjoy my blog! X

  3. Have to admit, this brightened up my day. Had a crap day at work and it brought a smile to my face to see you’d posted something.
    I genuinely enjoy reading these. It goes to show that what most people would consider bimbos and the like are actually human beings. Quite eloquent human beings! Plus you always provide a laugh or two with the sass.

    Anyone who actually believes you’d contact them is frankly insulting your intelligence. They clearly don’t even take the time to read what you say about “those” people, hell they probably don’t care. So fuck em. They’re not worth the time nor the effort.

    Keep it up the great work! Absolutely cannot wait to read what you have to say next.

  4. Travis schroeder

    April 6, 2016 at 11:59 pm

    Hey Jaye,

    I am so glad you’re finally back here and bloggint again, i have missed your musing that is for sure. Your openness with us is amazing and i am so grateful you have been so open with your feelings, i totally get your frustrations with the industry and men and don’t hold that against you at all.
    You seem so funny and interesting and an awesome women who just obviously joined porn for the wrong reason and didn’t like it. You’re now doing something you like and I am so proud of you for that, keep it going Jaye, i love reading what you have to say and genuinely really like you as a person.

    • JayeRose

      April 25, 2016 at 11:26 am

      Thank you Travis 🙂 you’ve always been so lovely and your words really do mean a lot. Thank you X

  5. I have never understood why women feel the need to make an apology for being hormonal. Like with everything else it is a natural part of life.

    Anyway, glad your back. Not because I get to read your stuff – which I do. Simply because it seems to be something that gives you some needed joy and in this day & age that all seems to be a seldom thing.

    One thing I had wanted to ask was, apart from all the men contacting you (past & present) have you had any women contact you? (Silly question I know).

  6. Welcome back J, and it’s good to see you venting, sharing and generally getting your mojo together. Your blog is always a good read, whether pulling the cover off the porn industry, or just giving voice to an opinionated lady who can write with sass, and isn’t afraid to call out 99% eejits.
    I’m glad to hear you’ve had some genuine messages of support and encouragement, so whenever you feel low or lacking in energy, hope these help in a way. Now just get thru that pesky periodical and try avoid the clichés of icecream and huddling on sofa under a blanket!
    Take care 🙂 g

  7. Nice to see u back blogging and on Twitter. Sorry to hear u haven’t been to good depression can be a real bitch. I have to admit I was a fan of your previous profession it was not the reason I started following you on Twitter it turned out to be a welcome by product. It was a picture of u in a Cardiff City top years back. I am enjoying your blog and hope you keep it up

    Pete

  8. Hi i read all your posts and am truly touched by your past life experiences.i myself have had a rough past.to see you starting anew on life has been very inspiring for me.am truly looking forward to your next post.

  9. Sorry to hear about your illness. I had the same problem with medication until I moved onto citalopram, which I found eventually- after the constant sleeping through the day, fuzzy head etc. improved my motovation with writing.

    I’m sure you dont do requests but I would love to know your thoughts on the James Deen thing, some of the coverage of Amber Rayne’s death has been pretty shocking.

    • JayeRose

      April 25, 2016 at 11:20 am

      Hiya – thank you for the blog idea, I admit I’ve been really out of the loop with pretty much everything right now so its good to have some ideas for topical posts.

      Yeah am not a huge fan of medication. I feel much better generally but have just lost my edge and feel a bit foggy to be honest, like I can’t write as sharply as I’d like. Urgh!

  10. Charley Chase

    April 8, 2016 at 1:56 pm

    I’m sorry to hear you struggle with depression, Jaye – I confess your absence from Twitter was starting to worry me.

    What you say about porn clarifies your attitude, but I’m curious. You say you watch it, and are happy to repost sex pictures of yourself on Twitter, so you’re obviously not spurning that world entirely, simply no longer choosing to participate in it. Having been through what you have, though, are you still able to enjoy the porn you watch? Do you find yourself second-guessing the performers? Are there certain varieties you avoid?

    I’m sure your future blog entries on your hardcore work will deal with such things. I love your insights. Take care.

  11. Thanks for making it back. I enjoy your writing and feel good that you are doing what you want now, even if it is just no porn. I have to admit, I enjoyed seeing you in everything short of watching some OTHER guy get to have sex with you. I would only enjoy that if I was the one doing it.

    Question: Would you consider glamour photography? Or is that too close to porn?

  12. Addendum:
    I think I speak for everyone when I say, I hope you have a long happy life, whatever that entails. Whether you can find a relationship that makes you happy, or can be happy without one.

  13. I don’t have anything to say other than I love your blog. You’re so funny in a way that’s relatable and honest. So I’m glad you exist.

  14. Good to have you back, and even better to hear that you took a break to look after yourself. Things move so fast that people tend to try, or are simply forced to, push through times that they probably shouldn’t.

    It’s interesting to see a little insight to the customer/performer dynamic, because a lot of the sex workers that I’ve had contact with have been through tumblr, and most of their (well placed) disgust is public. Any private discussion I’ve had has been friendly though, usually to ask a recommendation on what to buy, and I think it’s a shame that so many get a man-hating image because normal conversations don’t need an example made.

  15. Hope you are ok, and I’m glad this blog lives on!

  16. Hi Jaye,

    Only just discovered your blog and it makes for some fascinating, and often enlightening, reading. I can empathize on the anti-depressant front, if anything when I was on them they made me worse and removed any pleasure I used to get from hobbies and passions.

    Look forward to reading more of your articles and wish you all the best.

    James

    • JayeRose

      April 25, 2016 at 11:29 am

      Yep, I feel the same. Feel much better generally but on the whole I’ve completely lost my drive and my edge. HATE IT! X

  17. A good read, very interesting and insightful. Keep up the good work!

  18. Hello,
    I really do like your style of writing .I can hear the voice behind the words, so much of the writing in magazines and weekend papers is trying to adapt a tone rather than being honest .

    • JayeRose

      April 21, 2016 at 3:01 pm

      Thank you – am just being as open and honest as I can be really. I tend to be this open with people in general so am glad that comes across!

  19. I hope you’re feeling better now . Another good read that popped in my in box so thank you . You are clearly a bright young woman , and your pieces of writing show drive and edge so don’t be too hard on yourself .
    X

  20. You are a total legend fair play. I’m so glad you’re feeling well. Take my hat off to you for having the guts to say “no, I don’t like that so I’m not going to do it anymore” so many people just stay in a job they hate, regardless of what it is, because their scared to do anything else, so go you!!!. I really enjoy your rants I can see the fiery Welsh redhead coming out lol. As for men feeling guilty about liking your stuff….. well I can totally see their point. Look at it this way….. see if you can see where i’m coming from. Most of the men that contact you have at some time shared a very private and, lets say, intimate moment “with” you, yes? When watching, listening to or doing whatever with a celebrity or icon, call it what you will, you achieve a higher level of status in their lives. Now you have started your blog which gives lesser mortals like ourselves the chance to actually contact you…….US!!!! speak to YOU!!!! OMFG!!! you can see how this would be pretty overwhelming for some and understandably they would feel quite uncomfortable thinking of what they had pigeon-holed you as……. when its obvious from your writing that you are clearly an intelligent, educated and now accomplished blogster, blogger, bloggerist, whatever you want to be called. I am not ashamed to say that you are one of my favorites from the past but that’s by the by I mean you are a very good looking woman (…and Welsh whoop whoop!!!), my God I can be a kiss arse when I want to be….. No, but seriously, I think this is why we feel a bit uneasy being able to talk to you frankly. I could be completely wrong but its my theory. Anyhoo, keep it up kiddo, i cant wait to read all of your stuff I’m looking forward to them. xxxx

  21. Paulo Leonard

    May 24, 2016 at 10:18 pm

    Anti-depressants had the opposite effect on me. My malaise was lifted & I seem to get more done. Also my daily encounters with people are far more positive & also constructive. I used to have a negative opinion of tablets & used the panacea argument but that was before whatever it is descended on me. There’s definitely a placebo initialiality at first but after a while they become the norm & I start to forget why I take them. I suppose what I’m trying to say is they’re not a solution but just a piece of the bigger jigsaw.

    • JayeRose

      June 1, 2016 at 5:45 pm

      I know what you mean – have tried three different brands through the years but unfortunately my most recent ones didn’t work me. I feel that they are just a “quick fix”, for myself anyway, and just mask the issues instead of sorting them out.

  22. Just started reading your blog, so insightful. Jaye you’ve got edge you’ve humour even despite the way you sometimes feel. You’ve got Depth of character and there is more to you than that and this is why you will always triumph over what tries to hold you back. X

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