The Beginning of the End

People always ask me “how did you get started in it all?” and so I thought I’d start from the very beginning which, as Julie Andrews will confirm, is a very good place to start.

I spent most of my life being pretty hideous. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not under the illusion that I’m God’s gift to women now but I spent the majority of my life being painfully thin, flat chested and goofy. I spent so long looking like this that when I did finally develop and started receiving the male attention I’d spent so long watching my friends attract, I didn’t know what to do with myself and went a bit wild. I ended up getting into some pretty messed up situations, as my last blog post alluded to, and my self-esteem never really developed – in my head I’ll always be that angry, goofy teenager – but I finally felt at least semi confident in my appearance. I knew I could give men in clubs’ semis and that was enough for me.

At 18, spurred on by the attention and attempts at fingering that I’d been receiving on the dancefloor at Oceana, I decided I wanted some nice pictures for my Facebook. After all, there was no point being suddenly sexy if the world and my old high school classmates didn’t get to know about it. I found a local photographer online and paid something like £50 to go to his studio and shoot a CD’s worth of images. At this point I had a boyfriend so I wanted some topless shots for him too. I don’t remember being nervous going topless in front of a stranger but I do cringe so hard when I look back at the photos now. Because they were professional and the lighting was good, my friends oohed and aahed over them but in every single image my expression was literally identical to the straight face emoji expression. I literally looked dead behind the eyes.

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It was this photographer who introduced me to the world of modelling websites and online communities where you could put up an online profile/portfolio and apply for paid photoshoots. Anything online and photography related always sounds instantly seedy and untoward but I promise you, all the photographers were genuine people with references and 99% of the people I worked with were good, kind people and not creepy at all. Of course there was a few oddballs and perverts but you find just as many of them working in office as you do working behind a camera. You aren’t, by default, a pervert just because you work around naked people. He was a nice guy, that first photographer, and I shot with him a couple of times after, until he texted me asking if he could give me a massage for a “course” he was doing and film it. He did offer to give me back the £50, which was incredibly gracious of him, but I still managed to decline.

I did the odd shoot here and there when I went to university but I didn’t really know what I was doing and ended up agreeing to shoot for free for some publications just because I thought it would be cool to see myself in print. I’ve never really had a brain for business and it wasn’t until I decided to move to London that I realised the earning potential that could be on offer to me.

At this point I was still only shooting topless and was absolutely adamant that I would never do nude; I hated the thought of showing the world my fandingo. I’d already shown it to enough people from my hometown. Although camera phones weren’t all that big back then – we were all still at the stage of taking digital cameras on nights out, remember that!? – I’d also stupidly let myself be pressured into sending a webcam video of myself to a guy who’d told me he’d find someone else if I didn’t. Inevitably it made the rounds on MSN, which made my nights out in my hometown so much fun. Men can be such cocks.

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During the summer, I made the money I needed to move to London by moving back to my family home and travelling around to do shoots. One shoot I had done was an implied nude set for a company that mainly specialised in hardcore porn. My mum had caught sight of an invoice I’d sent them, looked them up and totally flipped out, accusing me of doing porn and all sorts. I was horrified! OMG MUM, can you imagine – me!? As if I’d ever do that! I’m a feminist, it would be so degrading! If my life was a play, I think we’d call this “dramatic irony”. Yes, I did do Drama at GCSE level and I got a ‘C’ for it. I could have been a star.

When I actually made it to London I had no real idea what I was doing. I was meant to be doing my second year at uni there but had decided not to bother with student halls and to go it alone and move into my own place. I was now living in what was once somebody’s front room in a dodgy part of East London in a shared house where nobody else spoke English with £30 in my purse, no idea what an Oyster card was and a diary full of shoot bookings. I had arrived.

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It wasn’t long before I’d dropped out of uni in a panic and was doing nude shoots to pay my rent. I was on a train every day, living off Boots Meal Deals and trying to make enough money to still be able to buy hair dye after I’d paid my bills each month. Looking back, I’m not sure if this was a good period or a bad period in my life. I was loving London life and was out every night but financially I was struggling and acting very recklessly with a lot of very unsuitable men. This was mainly because I literally had no money so going on dates was the only way I was eating, which sounds like a joke but isn’t.  I’m not even sure I had time to process whether I even enjoyed modelling or not.

I felt like I was caught in a catch-22 because when I had applied for “normal” jobs and been offered them, I had had absolutely no savings at all to see me through from the start date to my first pay which would have been at least a month so I felt I had no option but to keep shooting and getting paid every day. I’ve done literally thousands of shoots in my life and I honestly couldn’t even guess where half the pictures have ended up. I’ve seen myself in European magazines where my name is Greta and I’ve, apparently, given an interview in fluent German or popping up in “Shag A Slag” adverts on the side of porn sites.

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A lot of the photographers I shot with in the beginning were just starting out or hobbyists and I vividly remember one guy turning up to a studio day I was holding with a camera he had no clue how to use. He had the studio owner set it up on a tripod for him so he could just click a button to take a quick photo and went through the motions of taking a few shots of me before asking if I’d do some sat on this really horrible office chair with all the stuffing coming out of it. As soon as he asked me to sit on something that would look absolutely crap in images, I knew he was going to casually ask me if I’d sit on his lap. A few shots in, he casually asked me if he could sit on the chair and I’d sit on his lap. Go figure. He then asked if I minded doing some shots where he faced the camera and I knelt down facing him. At this point I would like to insert the straight line mouth with straight line eyes emoji for at least one full paragraph. Later, when he thought I was changing behind a curtain, I caught him rifling through the worn items in my suitcase. Subtle and not at all socially awkward. My kinda guy.

Another time I’d traveled down to Portsmouth at the crack of dawn to shoot with an older chap who spent our time travelling to the studio lamenting on about his considerably younger wife. He even showed me a picture of them together which was in no way necessary but I pretended to be interested. She was a lot younger than him and a stunning Thai woman who he said got very jealous and hated him doing photography. This became quickly apparent as twenty minutes into our shoot she called him up and went absolutely ballistic down the phone. He spent an age assuring her that he wasn’t using his day off to shoot half naked models, as I pretended I couldn’t hear a thing whilst hunting around for my g-string. Instead of shooting I ended up having to nod dutifully as he vented about how his wife didn’t understand him and asking me why he should have to give up all his passions in life on the endless car journey back to the station. My new career as a marriage counselor did come to a halt when he parked up outside a museum so he could dash inside and buy some postcards from the gift shop to pretend he’d spent his day off there. Gotta give him credit there; I wouldn’t have thought to have done that.

 

48 Comments

  1. You have a really funny & relatable way of writing & I just love your blog. I’m so glad you decided to write it.

  2. Fascinating. Look forward to the next instalment, Jaye.

  3. I am usually not too into reading blogs, but I am finding this one very entertaining. You definitely know how to tell a story and I love the humour you inject into it. Look forward to the next instalment xD

  4. Sound of Music – Yes!
    Anyway, important question? Takeaway: Indian or Chinese?

  5. You know how you said you did a few early shoots for free – I wonder if this is a literary equivalent? There is clearly an interest in what you have to say and your story is incredibly interesting, perhaps it’s a book waiting to be written? Maybe approach an agent or publisher (writer’s yearbook 2016) and see what response you get – mention your twitter followers too. There is certainly a precedent for this type of book (100 strokes of the brush etc) and you write very well.
    Just an idea, loving the blog BTW so my advice is totally counterintuitive haha!
    Xx

  6. Really funny blog about some serious background that alot of people only see 1 side of. Good on ya for speaking out about your experiences for everyone to see.

  7. Hi Jaye, cool blog. Sucks to hear about your negative experiences and hope you can make a fresh start. As someone that enjoys your work and now feels kind of conflicted about that, does it bother you that people still watch your stuff or is that not something you care about?

    • JayeRose

      February 16, 2016 at 4:52 pm

      No, no, I don’t have any problems with people who watch porn or watch my old stuff, am just telling my honest feelings!

    • JayeRose

      March 21, 2017 at 3:25 pm

      Hi – I feel like people might feel conflicted hearing it from the other side but I do still get a buzz from people telling me they’ve enjoyed my work. I enjoyed making my work and being a part of things.

  8. Well, I suppose if you were trying to find your g-string he technically wasn’t shooting a -half- nude girl. A gent after all.

    Well done for managing to keep afloat though. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be able to handle that, the pace that London moves at is too much for me to take for more than a couple of days, let alone while trying to juggle such a fickle job too.

    • JayeRose

      February 16, 2016 at 4:51 pm

      The top half could have still been clothed.

      I love London with all my heart but I know a few people who feel the same way you do.

  9. I’m rather quite enjoying this, just something about it is pulling me in, I’d say you have a future career as a novelist jaye

  10. Really enjoyed reading this, its so nice to hear a woman take the negative things that have happened to her, look at them objectively, and grow from them. So many become perpetual whiners, and never grow as people at all. Looking forward to the next installment. Maybe a book in the future; you have a very engaging way of writing.

    • JayeRose

      February 17, 2016 at 3:27 pm

      Thank you very much kind sir 🙂 trust me, it took a lot of time to get where I am now. I was always dragging my heels and not doing anything to actually help myself, which is why I ended up in a cycle and in an industry I never wanted to be in. Feeling stronger and better now – thank you for your kind words, means a lot! x

  11. I’m rather quite enjoying this, just something about it is pulling me in, I’d say you have a future career as a novelist jaye

  12. Another great read. Funny and thought provoking to boot. Keep up the great work.

    I know from my time living in London, ) trying to eek out a living whilst trying to have fun, how difficult it can be.

    Looking forward to the next one xx

  13. Fantastic blog, very insightful and very well-written. Love it that you’re not a victim, just telling it how it was. Can’t wait for the next one!

  14. Enjoying your blogs

  15. John from Germany

    February 18, 2016 at 6:53 am

    Ever since you started your first blog on wordpress back in the day (which I enjoyed tremendously and still think contained some of the most hilarious observations on the XXX – or whatever you want to call it – business ever) I had been hoping for “Jaye’s Musings” to make a return. What a joy to see you do what you do best again (no offence to your former occupation ;), combining deadpan humour with sharp analysis, all while never putting yourself on a pedestal. You must have enough anecdotes and insights to fill a book easily. Should you ever do that, consider it bought. In the meantime, thank you so much for doing this and keep up the great work.

    • JayeRose

      February 18, 2016 at 10:24 am

      THANK YOU! 😀 for all your kind words & your continued support. Am so happy that people are enjoying what I have to say – really does mean a lot x

  16. Great stuff Jaye, a really interesting read.
    I’m not sure that letting someone “spunk on [your] tits” is worth a free pair of ugg boots though, I think you should’ve held out for Manolo Blahniks or Jimmy Choos at least. I can only assume the coat was one of your favourites!

  17. I’m sort of a ‘new breed’ of porn fan.
    I see past all the bullshit and the ‘product’, and to see a woman like yourself decide to strip it down to the bare bones (no pun intended lol) is refreshing, and ever so interesting.

    I’m 23 and had a LOT of life experiences for my age, through a camera also although not in the adult industry, so naturally I have a genuine level of respect for you for what you’ve been through.

    You sound like you’ve got a good wise head on your shoulders, and I look forward to reading more and more of your adventures in the coming posts.

    Keep up the good work!
    Ben x

    • JayeRose

      February 29, 2016 at 2:34 pm

      Thank you! That means a lot 🙂 I don’t think age is a factor these days, there’s so much available to us all from such a young age that we do all experience things and are exposed to things a hell of a lot younger than previous generations. Its a blessing and a curse, I think.

      But yes – thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to comment. Glad you enjoy! X

  18. I identified with the part of the insecurity and self-confidence that you have written, I am young and never find myself beautiful, cool or smart hahahha may be a problem of young people lol finally large text again :))

  19. I wonder what the story is behind letting some guys come on your tits…

  20. There is just something about the way you write, it draws you in to read more even though you should be going to sleep. If you ever end up publishing, I’d be buying!

  21. Continue to disregard the shitlords in the comment section or eviscerate them publicly, you definitely have a comedic voice and a compelling writing style and they can’t touch you. This blog owns, looking forward to the next installment.

  22. I’m enjoying the blog, sounds like you are getting some shit out of your system, which is probably good. Take care

  23. Entertaining and well written blog – I hope you have the time to keep it up. I don’t publish, but I do find writing is a good way of resolving things in my own mind, and it will be interesting to see how your porn “career” developed and why you gave it up.

    • JayeRose

      April 4, 2016 at 5:41 am

      Thank you 🙂 they do say it is therapeutic but in typical “me” fashion I have gone one stage further and put it all over the internet…

  24. Have you ever thought of being a dominatrix or doing fetish clips? I’m kinda addicted to clips4sale. I’d love to see you in a strap-on going to town on a wimpy guy or girl.

    • JayeRose

      March 14, 2016 at 3:40 pm

      No because it would completely defy the point. I don’t WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN THE INDUSTRY UNDER ANY FRIGGING HEADING

  25. im so happy for you

  26. You have such an effortless writing style; it’s so engaging and full of good humour!
    I’m absolutely fascinated by your story and your quick wit and humour are so endearing and entertaining!
    This blog is amazing 🙂

    • JayeRose

      May 13, 2016 at 10:59 am

      Thank you so, so much! 🙂 this is one of my favourite comments I’ve received. It always makes me go all “n’awww!” and gooey when I get feedback from other women, really means a lot so thank you! X

  27. I really love your blog!! You are an inteligent and very beautiful woman,I can relate to your blog:) ,you seem so down to earth,and sucks you went through negative situation,but will always be a beautiful person no matter what industry:)

  28. Keep up the good work jaye rose, and remember you will always be beautiful, because you are you!

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