Those of you who are already aware of me have probably seen my vagina. Those of you who haven’t, feel free to Google it. No, I’m kidding but only because I don’t make any money from that kind of thing anymore. Already I imagine I’ve lost 95% of any audience who clicked through via my social media pages and have instantly clicked off the page as soon as they were met with words and not pictures of my tits. Soz guys.
Yes, it’s true – I used to be a porn “star”. I really hate using that term because, in the grand scheme of things, I didn’t make all that many movies and I’m definitely no Jenna Jameson but it just makes things a lot clearer to use that term. In “real life” when asked I’d always reply that I was an “adult performer” or “adult actress” but I found that people sometimes just confused that as meaning that I am an adult who has been in films. Someone once told me I look like Stacey Slater from Eastenders but that’s about as close as I’ve ever come to “serious” acting.
I started taking my clothes off in front of cameras for money in around 2009 when I was 19. I had moved to London with £30 in my pocket and no idea how I’d pay my rent which, in itself sounds like the opening scenes of a porn film. I’m such a cliché. Anyway, I never enjoyed any of it, at all, ever and now have finally decided to cut it all off for good. Am fully aware of how the internet works and that my bare arse is all over it and will be for quite some time before it gets buried under a thousand pages of newer content. To be honest I wish I’d fully considered what I was getting myself into when I started because there are some bloody awful pictures of me out there with horrific eyebrows but unfortunately hindsight – and a thicker eyebrow pencil – are a wonderful thing.
I never found sex work empowering. Some girls do but they probably enjoy what they do. I never did and not only did I find it demoralising, I didn’t find it at all challenging or stimulating, sexually or otherwise. Actually, that’s a bit of a lie, there’s always some challenge involved in not screaming “oh fuck off, you absolute creep” down the phone whilst a grown man tells you how he likes to piss his trousers and go to work with wet pants. Or when a man tells you he wants to pretend he’s a flower and that you’re pulling his petals off. I miss working with people who are wearing clothes. I will at this point throw in the disclaimer that anything I say about the adult industry or sex work in this blog is purely my own opinion.
I am not speaking for any other girl in the industry and everyone I’ve met through it have been nothing but lovely, good, kind people. Whatever I say here is my opinion alone. Just because I hated it doesn’t mean anyone else does and it was my own fault I let myself get as enmeshed in it all as I was, no one elses. I dragged my heels for years because I was lazy and got used to the money and didn’t know what else to do but I used 1st January this year to finally, finally cut it all off for good. I don’t want to be patronised by literal wankers on the internet anymore. Never again will I have to watch a man in a thong wanking or watch a guy eating his own cum off a spoon. Never again will I have to listen to endless amounts of men telling me I look like their wife or their wife’s best friend or their co-worker or their cousin (oh, I’ve heard worse). Who knew there were so many redheads with excellent tits knocking about…
People are often asking me the same questions – “how did you get into it?”, “whats the weirdest thing you’ve ever been asked”, “omg so do you like hate alllll men now?” so I’ve finally decided to pull my finger out (not a euphemism) and start a blog and eventually get round to answering those sort of things and giving you an insight into the joys of the adult industry. It’s probably incredibly vain of me to assume anyone gives a shit what I do or have to say but I think writing a blog might prove to be quite cathartic. I’m hoping so anyway because since I don’t get my fandingo out online anymore I can’t afford to go back to therapy. I’ve quit. I’ve put my knickers back on and am finally going out into the “real” world to get a proper grown up job. I feel like a lifer or something, trying to integrate myself back into society with a new name, trying to keep the past a secret. Wish me luck!
P.S. I will be accompanying all my blog posts with the kind of inane questions I receive over on my Tumblr mainly so you get an insight into the delightful inbox of an “adult star” and also because they make me laugh and, as that old saying goes, if you don’t laugh…