2016 was a funny one. I made some big decisions, tested myself to my limits, had a bit of a break down, got back up, thought I had a handle of things again and now have no idea what 2017 will bring.
Having been quite vocal about my decision to step out of the adult industry completely at the beginning of this year, things have actually turned out a lot different than I’d anticipated. When I was fully immersed in it all, shooting every day, webcamming every day and drinking myself into a stupor every day, I never had time to catch my breath and appreciate what I was doing. Now, having taken a step back from it all and taken the deep breaths that I needed, I’ve realised that there were aspects of it that I actually did enjoy and, never thought I’d say it, but quite missed!
The mistake I made when I quit is that I didn’t have a plan. I jumped and hit the ground running so I didn’t go into anything better or more fulfilling. In fact, I shot myself in the foot big time. All my debts mounted up because I couldn’t afford all the repayments now that I wasn’t earning the same as I once did. I had to sacrifice times like Christmas day last year that I should have been spending with my family to work a menial job I didn’t even enjoy, to pay the rent. I appreciate that these are situations people face all the time but I’d left behind a world where I didn’t have to do those things. It reminded me why I’d got into it all in the first place.
Definitely one of my favourite images that I shot this year.
I did dip my toe back into the adult industry during rougher financial patches this year and was reminded that, although I enjoy filthy fun phonechat, it doesn’t work for me being back doing it for 8 solid hours in a TV studio. I also realised I missed being in front of the camera – not in the modelling sense, although I have created some images I’ve been really pleased with this year, but with video. I missed being sexy and flirty and silly. I like the persona I have when I’m showing off in front of the camera and have decided to go back to shooting fetish content.
In some ways, I felt like I had cut my nose off to spite my face by quitting but I also know that it was good for me to have a break from that world. I’d worked in the adult industry literally my whole adult life and I never switched off. I didn’t have anything that was mentally stimulating me outside of work, no hobbies, no partner, no family, nothing that I could go home and do at the end of the day rather than endlessly checking my social media and seeing how men were talking about all the places they’d ejaculate on me or what a chubby bitch I was getting. The same people will probably still be saying the same things to and about me but this time I feel like I’m more in control. I’m coming back feeling better, stronger and a whole load of other cliché adjectives that exist for a reason.
Actually, ignore everything I’m saying in this blog entry. Just look at this meme and understand that this is me.
I’m excited for 2017 and that’s a nice feeling. When I quit webcamming back in January, I felt such relief that I never thought I’d say that I was excited about being infront of a camera again but I have so many video ideas and going back and doing the shoots I have done this year have made me feel sexy and powerful again. Do I want to keep doing it forever? Not necessarily but for now I’m gonna jump back on it and ride it til the legs fall off. That’s just an euphemism; there will be no more “riding”, soz my hardcore fans. I’m only going to be filming the things I enjoy filming so most will be tease and fetish stuff; a lot tamer than the stuff I use to shoot but equally as sexy!
And do you know what, fuck it, if some people see this as me being a hypocrite, then I’m a hypocrite. I’ve been called worse. Only God, and those with access to the internet can judge me. Maybe it’ll all go tits up again for me and I’ll bow out properly this time but maybe I won’t and maybe you’ll have to deal with my tits for a bit longer.
Here’s to 2017; let’s hope it’s a good one (without any fearrrrrrr – you so know you wanted to sing that bit).